Jan 31, 2011

Estoy llenando mis viejos silencios, con este.

No silencio vacio, silencio ambriento, que curiosea en mis palabras atrancadas.

labios que en dos lenguajes, siempre calla.

Jan 29, 2011

de cambios..

En el regreso a clase pense en el cambio. Al querer contestar la pregunta de lo que en mi significa cambio, me quede inmovil. Tumultos de memorias pasaron por mi mente mientras fingia escuchar a mis companeros hablar de los suyos. Los suyos, esos cambios que nos hacen parecer un tanto ilusos. Creia no estar realmente escuchando, pero si, los escuche como siempre lo hago. Escucharlos a ellos es escucharme a mi. Creer en el cambio, parece facil. Lo mas dificil es creer.
 
Al querer elucidar el cambio la palabra ansiedad siempre nace en mi. Pero esta vez, nace otra ansiedad. Nace esta ansiedad que me hace querer emigrar, tal como emigramos desde que tenia 10 anos. Hoy nho quiero cambiar de ciudad, quiero emigrar en mi. Un cambio asi sera drastico, como siento debe ser el cambio para crecer. Tiene que pasar una tormenta en la transicion de mis cambios para que pueda llegar a mi la calma interna. Esto es lo que pense cuando me preguntaron como veia el cambio. Sin embargo, dije otra cosa. Hable del cambio que anhelo, uno que se suscita despacio, que no me apresura, que solo me observa convertirme en la misma.
 
No me hice propositos este ano. pero hoy pienso en mis cambios, en los buenos y malos. los que quiero mantener y los que aunque quiera, no puedo.

Jan 20, 2011

"Matamos lo que amamos, lo demas no ha estado vivo nunca."
Rosario Castellanos
 
hay que escribir, hay que mirar y volver a escribir sobre la delicia de asesinar sentimientos para estar vivos.

Jan 19, 2011

Manana es su cumpleanos. Tanto que luche en no recordarlo, pero resulto estar presente en todo enero. Este hombre sin nombre de quien hablo, es quien me ha hecho pensar en el sentido de la dependencia, de alguien. Me duele en el ego admitir que lo extranare. Pero duele mas admitir que extranare a la que era cuando estaba el. Con el, soy la Gema que no pregunta, solo quiere. Que sabe, y disimula. Que opina, pero se arrepiente. Con el, apesar de mis arranques, de no verlo, del silencio, con el soy sumisa. Es un tanto gracioso admitir que extrano esa que soy aveces. Pero es triste admitir que no extrano su alma, solo a la compania que de ves en cuando tenia de lo que queda de el en mi. lo cual, juzgando por todo lo que aun puedo hablar de el, es bastante, todavia.

No hablo de espacios, sino de tiempo. Y hoy es mi tiempo de ponerle nombre a algunas cosas, algunos sentimientos para seguir. Irran, tu que eras el sin nombre hoy tienes uno, y eso te hace igual a muchos. Una cierta ansiedad esta creciendo al tono de las horas de esta noche. Lucho sin fuerzas por ser fuerte contra lo que aun siento. Manana, espero no pasarla contigo.

Jan 9, 2011

Alguien me dijo hace poco: :"Gema, it is not easy to be vulnerable". Despues de compartir mis sentimientos acerca de lo vulnerable que siempre fui con el. Esta dicotomia entre ser vulnerable y luchar por ser fuerte, es desgastante. Me ha robado anos y paciencia. He controlado mi vulnerabilidad fisica. pero solo esa. En noches como hoy, donde miles de pensamientos luchan por el primero en mi desvelo, mi cabeza siempre va a el. A el y a la vulnerabilidad de la que siempre renegare sentir hacia el. Es cierto, no es facil no ser fuerte, pero es mas dificil deconstruir el sentido de la vulnerabilidad en si misma. Con el paso de cada noche que este pensamiento me quita, mas me esmero en indagar lo positivo de esa palabra. Los pros de ser vulnerable estan estas paginas, que aunque no ciertas ni perfectas, si tienen vida. 

Jan 7, 2011

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced." -
James Baldwin

Esta frase fue una de mis -mantras- este ano pasado. Me encontre develando, indagando en memorias reprimidas. No creia que estas memorias existian. El proceso de indagar en lo que no quiero indagar, ha sido liberante. Y doloroso. Y de alguna forma me gusta este dolor. Quiero mas, pues de muchas formas me siento mejor. Alguien me dijo hace unos anos, y otra ves hace unos dias que yo 'pienso mucho'. Esto de pensar mucho el lo menciona siempre como defecto. Pues al yo pensar, el sale sobrando en este espacio, en el mio. Hoy que soy capaz de mantenerme en un solo lugar sin odiar el tiempo y desear el sueno, se con certeza que el pensar, el escudrinar los hechos y sentimientos, es lo que me ha mantenido entera. La deconstruccion del pensamiento es, despues de todo, mi mecanismo de defensa. Un mecanismo que seguire usando para enfrentar todo lo borroso que aun me falta.

Jan 6, 2011

.
  • Hoy me encontre no contando los dias en que no has estado. senti alivio, pero no calma. La paranoia no se ha ido, solo porque la presencia fisica falta. y me da miedo pensar que faltan algunos otros anos para estar realmente liberada de las emociones que me resisto a tener. Hoy me senti vacia de recuerdos. y sin recuerdos no hay calma. asi que necesito ese recuerdo aunque no sea bueno.

  • Going back to my own words is a challenge. I used to think that in order to really speak the truth while writing, I needed to write my feelings in the moment and never go back; so there wouldn't be moments of regrets, looks of embarrassment of self, or guilt. This perspective towards writing has been also part of a progress I have noticed in me. I went back and I read line by line what I wrote during this first year of the program. It was rewarding to see mistakes, to feel proud of them. The words are all coming back to me, but in with a different meaning. One that I don't know yet.

algunas reflexiones del libro Counseling the Culturally Diverse.

“Don't be afraid of me” he told me while holding a stick on his hands. He is a 14 years old suffering from bipolar disorder. I would never forget my first day entering a residential placement for clients with severe mental disorders, or known as dual diagnosis population. Walking for the firs time in there, looking at kids running from people, kicking on windows and hitting to people, felt like I was being part of a movie as an observer. When I took my first client for a walk, I was terrified. After reading his diagnostic, his past, his challenges and triggers, I was just ready to make use of my defensive positions and other techniques taught to me on trainings. None of those things work when he was playing with a stick and he looked me repeating: “don't be afraid of me”, “i just love trees”. I assumed that he may seen something on my eyes, in my expression that was yelling fear. He read me.

In these chapter, the authors suggests to “Respond to an individual with a disability according to their skills, personality, and other personal attributes rather than his or her disability” (Sue & Sue 2007) Idea that I ignored when started my journey with these kids. I was focusing on their negatives, on their struggles growing up, on their disabilities instead of their strengths. This dual diagnosis environment have helped me remind myself, day by day, that there are many types of disabilities, and that we all can be on the other side of the door, asking for help. One example of this is my big struggle speaking English, and couldn't enunciate or didn't articulate clear enough when attempting my first conversations with them. Therefore, they displayed ideas of me such us “lower expectations” (Sue & Sue 2007) that ironically, motivated few of them to teach me proper English. I remember of how on their eyes, I was the disable one.

The reality was that I was disable. I was lacking of tolerance in my personal life and thought that I was the only one suffering from injustice or discrimination. After witnessing the way people look at them on the street, invalidate their opinions, and stereotypes them, my ideas completely changed. Mental retardation is a common disability in the environment of special education classes. The derogative stereotypes about this disabilities are major. Society has hidden them in the unspoken conversations, in the derogative jokes when referring to someone with lack of “intelligence” or simply to make somebody feel bad about themselves. In my journey of reading Missing pieces: a chronicle of living with a disability, Irving Kenneth Zola share his own personal experiences with a disability: “The discomfort that many feel in the presence of the aged, the suffering, and the dying is the reality that it could just as well be them”. (Zola 1982) The words above, are a common attitude towards the different. This is something that this kids with levels of MR (mental retardation) faced everyday. People just being extremely nice to them making them feel incapable to think.
There is even a darker side of this reality. The way some communities punish a person with a disability. I had a friend who in her search of finding a place for her son suffering from addiction and a mental disorder, went to small and very cheap community in Tijuana, Mexico. She didn't do any research or met with the staff before hospitalized him. She just trusted them because their religious predicaments in the 'facility'. Several times, her son complained with her mother about the extreme discipline that was implemented by the staff in there. His mother never listened. His own mother tought that he was exaggerating and that this was the discipline that he needed. One day, I needed to go there to see her son for the first time. I was shocked. Something about that place wasn't only wrong, was scary, the smell was intense, and the clients were duty. Talking to my friend son I noticed that he couldn't articulate but the staff told me that was the effect of detox on him. I did not buy that. About 3 days later, there was a big TV scandal regarding that place, they were caught. The staff were “disciplining” the male clients by not allowing them to take showers and not eating right. They were being hit with some weird almost metal thing in their backs. The clients had marks all over their backs. The staff tie their feet with a chain when they were curssing or 'being bad'. They went to jail, and the persecution of this houses or facilities of rehabilitation were discovered all up to Mexico city. My friend felt extremely guilty for not noticing the abuse that he was experienced, and the voice that she ignored. And I remember feeling mad. How come people predicating to help somebody with disabilities end ed up punishing them for the problems? How can people trust when asking for help for their kids?

In the same chronicles, Zola cited Slater who illustrated how we can penalizing instead of helping: “Our ideas about institutionalizing the aged, psychotic, retarded and infirm are based on pattern of thought that we might call The Toilet Assumption -the notion that unwanted matter, unwanted difficulties, unwanted complexities and obstacles will disappear if they are removed from our immediate field of vision... Our approach to social problems is to decrease their visibility: out of sight, out of mind..“ (Slater: Zola 1982) This is the assumption that places of 'rehabilitation' such as the one that I mentioned, follows. Specially in rural areas of Mexico this is still a reality. Hiding the son that has a condition that parents can not explain to people. Not sending to school the son or daughter that can not speak, because that will only bring shame or pity. Abuse is one of the common consequences that people with a disability suffered. Because after suffering from an abuse, perpetrators think that -who is going to listen to them anyway?

This chapter made me think about that first experience I had. And in my reflexion I can see that the best way I have found to help them is to put myself on their shoes. Think on something I have faced in my life and imagine what was helpful? It was helpful when people taught me how to do things, nod doing it for me. It was helpful when people left me faced a problem by myself once in while, the idea of taking a decision on my own empower me. The disability will may be always there. But we as a therapist or helping professionals can provide support and skills to empower our clients into independence living. One question I keep I have regarding institutions in rural areas is: How can this culture of hiding the person with a disability on the house can be change? Are there any other solutions?

References:


Zola, Missing Pieces: A Chronicle of Living with a Disability, 1982, pp. 246

Sue and Sue, Counseling the Culturally Diverse, 2007, pp. 552, from chapter Counseling the Culturally Diverse.

Jan 2, 2011

Recordando una frase que alguien me dijo de mi padre, se me enredo el llando con las palabras, el recuerdo, y  la saliva. Alguien me dijo, 'que mas da, tu papa nunca te ha querido'. Cuando escuche esas palabras por primera vez, me enoje y ese enojo se convirtio en una personalidad que por siempre se quedaria como 'a la defensiva'. Hoy esa defensa se esta descentralizando. Ya no quiero entender el porque me siguen doliendo esas palabras, ni quiero saber si son ciertas o no. Hoy quiero dejar de entenderme a mi, y a las otras que soy cuando algunas palabras se me suben a la cabeza. Quiero jugar con las palabras sin que duelan.

The lesser blessed

I have to tell you something, I said, I’m not going to lie, I have to tell you I have this god-shaped hole in my  heart, and I think you do ...